of change and hating it

I”m not good at change, I never have been. I adapt to situations if I have to at work, in life, etc but change in the things that I want to regard as substantial platforms of my life eg family, home, work, church etc I do not like change. At all. In fact I hate it. I do not cope with it. I find it so stressful in every possible way. Especially when it’s basically taken out of my hands and I have to make a change and I don’t want to.

I’m a grown woman, very capable in many many areas, and I know quite a few people who would be really surprised at how much change can upset me. I mean to the point of wanting to run away upset me.

So, anyway, work is basically in chaos at present. I work for a government funded not for profit in an area which the government is making a great number of changes, most of which are really really good. These are however impacting on the auspicing body of my unit, and also my unit directly, and have been impacting at glacial speed for nearly 6 years now (almost the entire time I’ve been employed) so it’s been almost easy to just ignore them. Now they are all coming to fruition at great speed (there’s an election in September, which might have something to do with it!). Money is being taken away, redistributed, changed etc and basically nobody’s job is safe.

Add to this chaos within our auspicing body itself which I won’t go into except to say that it’s above management level, this level above is not talking to anyone below it and a large number of people are ‘potentially’ being impacted … so it’s coming from two sides.

So, do I look for another job? Do I put in applications for jobs which I think I can do even though it makes me feel like a rat deserting what I’m pretty sure is a sinking ship (mostly through no fault of the people working there) or do I hang in to the end until I’m made redundant (possibly / probably – nobody knows – either at the end of June, or the end of September, or possibly even next March) with possibly no job opportunities around at that time?

I see items in the news all the time saying how amazing Australia’s unemployment levels are compared to the rest of the world – 5%’ish or close to it I think … which is great – except that I live in the state (Tasmania) that is bumping that average up .. it would be smaller if not for us – we’re on something like 11% and rising … so jobs are thin on the ground and getting thinner.

Mr Tasmania is very supportive, looking out for jobs he’s sure I can do, and encouraging me at every point – but he has no issues changing jobs, will do it at the drop of a hat if necessary, so probably really does not understand how upset it makes me. I’m sure some days he thinks I’m being a massive drama queen … and so do I but some days it’s just how the stress of it comes out.

The food intolerance / other illnesses issues I’ve been diagnosed with and discovered with lots of medical assistance / intervention in the last 3 or 4 years are not helping my worry about this – I have never enjoyed changing jobs, I interview very well I’ve been told but I’m not a sales person, I just will not / can not pretend to be something I’m not so I’ve probably lost jobs on that basis alone. I’m worried now because I’ve never had to go into a job knowing I’m hauling some medical issues with me that will have to be taken into account. I will need time off for medical things, there’s no two ways about it, so I can’t lie about it, can’t fudge it, it’s just reality … and while there’s supposed to be no discrimination in this sort of process I know I can be dropped from a list of possibles based on this but stated to be based on something else very easily – I”m sure this is not a new issue to those who have had ongoing medical / disability issues for years but it is for me, at this late stage.

Anyway, basically I’m cleaning the house. I have two jobs I could apply for, I haven’t even touched my CV in 6 years, I don’t want to update all my information or even find all my certificates (not that there’s been many, not that much training available in my part of the world for my job and my employer has been turning down most applications for training for the last couple of years so not much point in applying for it anyway), I don’t want to have to start gearing myself up to do job interviews … and arranging myself at work so (assuming I did get an interview) I could attend them without me employer being aware of it .. without directly lying about it … guess my habit of just saying “I’ve got an appointment” instead of staying I’ve got to go to the doctor / specialist / medical centre etc will probably stand me in good stead there, even though it would be a lie of omission I guess …

I guess my last experience of job hunting has not helped me either, when I first came down here I had a job that didn’t work out so I left it …. and didn’t get another one for nearly 3 months … and realistically, although it has worked out really well for me, if it wasn’t for the incompetence of the manager at the time, which has led directly to the current problems at work, I wouldn’t have the job … quite bizarre when I look at it that way …

It just sucks.

I know I don’t have to do it all in my own strength. I have God, I have my husband, I have friends … but that doesn’t stop my brain running at a million miles an hour trying to work out some way of doing it without freaking myself out.

So, back to the dusting …. and then the vacuuming … and possibly the high windows in the lounge …

My brain might be in a mess but my house won’t be … I guess that’s today’s silver lining.

3 thoughts on “of change and hating it

  1. Yeah… know that hate change feeling all too well! Funnily enough, my house will also look very clean once I’ve agonised about it all again.

    Hugs from here, too.

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